The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Randomize
