Yo dont text me then not text me
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
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