I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Randomize
