1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
