You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
Girls should come with a carfax report
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
