My sheets look like a crime scene.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
