Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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