My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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