True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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