i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Randomize
