Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Randomize
