When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Randomize
