wanna go halves on a baby?
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
