I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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