he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
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