i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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