It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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