insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
