Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
