Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
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