If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Randomize
