I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
