I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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