Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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