i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize
