It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
You need Xanax blowdarts
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize