I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Randomize
