Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
