sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
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