Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Randomize
