if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Randomize
