And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
