i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
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