where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
This toilet bowl is my home.
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