I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Everyone says I win the strip club
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
