she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
