i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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