I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
