peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
