We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
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