I accidentally had phone sex last night
you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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