I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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