Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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