Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
