Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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