ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
My hand turned me down
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
