took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
