I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I need a man. I think Im going to put myself on Craigs list since they caught the killer and all.
Do it and if you add naked pictures youll get an instant reply
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
