And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
You ate ashes out of my bong
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
