I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
