good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
