I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
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