Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
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