I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
