did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Randomize
