my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
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