Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Randomize
