There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
